Two very different new-mom expereinces

Posted by Edi Denton on July 9th

I've had two very different new-mom experiences. My first home birth, though short, was super-intense. I labored six hours, but almost two of that was pushing, due to a cord issue. My beautiful boy was born healthy and strong, with the cord wrapped twice around his neck and once around the length of his body and between his legs. I had to deliver in a squat to get him out, and that meant sacrificing my perineum. There was a big tear, stitches, and exhaustion to contend with. Then we began breastfeeding, which was difficult and painful. But perhaps the most difficult thing as a new mom was realizing that my body was not my own...I was sharing it with my baby. I remember feeling less like a person and more like a science experiment, even though I was benefiting from the best, most nurturing and professional midwife care. Something essential and central to the Self is opened up when you give birth, and I think that it's not always easy, especially if you're self-centered, like me. You're not autonomous any more. Some independence is lost, and there is this tiny, beautiful person counting on you and depending on you for everything. There is a loss of control.

I think this can be really hard, even if the mother receives excellent support, because something inside her has to change. A new mother needs to be encouraged not to "fix" the situation, or to "get control" of it...but to surrender to it. To become a mother. To be overwhelmed by all the hormones and the love and the loss of self and the awesome burden of responsibility that are going to make her a more beautiful person with more depth of spirit than she could have ever imagined. She needs to be taught that sitting in a chair nursing her baby, learning his face, letting him hear her voice, is more valuable than anything else...laundry, the kitchen floor, missed social obligations, thank-you notes. Thank-you notes are a curse on new mothers...they should be abolished.

My second birth experience was so redemptive for me. It was much easier and gentler...another short labor, but without the intensity. My friend who was there called it a commonplace miracle because it just seemed like...not a big deal. And afterward, I was very intentional about reminding myself to savor each moment as if each moment was a world...a universe...a history unto itself. Even though it was still difficult, with childcare issues and double mastitis to contend with, I managed to find a place inside myself of surrender and peace.

I encourage new mothers to let go and seek surrender.